It is hard to let go, when the past is vibrating in the present time.
It is hard to let go, knowing I have been cheated of time,
It is hard to let go, I really gave even with all my wrongdoings,
It is hard to let go, knowing that they were all against me,
It is hard to let go, knowing you must trust in God,
It is hard to let go, knowing money is not everything,
It is hard to let go, knowing you want the best for yourself and your children
But you have to let go,
Or these angry, disappointing emotions will kill you,
I am not prepared to die again,
One too many times, where I nearly let go,
So, I will let go, this time I will look you in the eyes,
I will give you my heart, but not my soul,
I will give you my love, my honesty, my beauty,
By doing this, I know I have let go
- Mary Panwaskar
There have been times of frustration this week. Each day, I have felt mentally exhausted and physically I feel I am not worn out enough. When you are trying to parent two young children of divorcee’s creating discipline, harmony and loving connections can be very difficult. I have felt like I am being pulled in every direction.
The working week is not about waking up early. How early is early? It is never early enough, even when I am the first to awake on most days. There is a routine, regime, a flow of how the day is to begin, move forward and carry-forth but nothing will fully prepare you for the tantrums, hair pulling moments and how much more can you eat?! What this meant is that I felt more grateful for those moments of silence, moments where there were no glitches. When the rain poured down on the conservatory roof and I felt the weather felt my emotions of frustration, disappointment and bafflement of the situation.
I have found that over the past week, I have been breathing more. I am taking steps to let go of the anger and the resentment that is surfacing because some important tasks are being set aside for moments of silence and no disruptions. My perspective has altered dramatically as my son and I blow kisses to one another and his cute little baby lips kiss mine. The moments where he asks me to massage his feet and these grow fond memories; as he explains why his little feet are so tired. The love I feel for him increases and when he very hesitantly colours a picture using felt-tips pens that he didn’t want to participate. By the end of us colouring the picture he realises how much fun he has enjoyed and we are both able to sign the picture with our names.
Our perspective depends on not just what is important to us. I write this and I know how many tasks are not being carried that are gnawing away at me. There is a feeling of anxiety entering my bloodstream; I tell myself that the event is out of my control. I am telling myself that it is okay to feel anxious and I am telling myself that the disappointment and anger is justified. However, these emotional responses are counterproductive and that how I see some of the emotions I feel. Emotions work in so many different ways and often we do not know how to manage those emotions or be able understand them to be able to move forward.
When the emotions are overwhelming, I take a few moments to calm my beating heart. There are so many techniques but it is always the simplest that works well for me. The deep breaths you take will lower your heart rate, allow you to feel relaxed and decrease your cortisol levels. If this doesn’t work, you know where to find me. On the treadmill or for a long run, where I can free my mind. This is all it can be – a task to free your mind.
Now, that I am a single parent. I feel not just the responsibility of my role with the children but also I am feeling much more stretched and challenged. Saying this, I have found that the children and I generally really find some fun moments together. Food has always been very important to me and it has been an excuse to get together friends and family. This I have found has resonated with the children and they like myself; miss the social contact of sharing food, sharing memories with friends and family. Hand-in-hand with food comes travelling and my children and I share the love to explore. We all feel this sense of adventure, sense of peace, relaxation that comes from travelling to so many different parts of the globe.
There will be challenges as a single parent. I didn’t plan, nor ever wanted this path for my children and I. However, if I saw the signs and recognised the traits early on; then I know I would have not chosen that person I married; as the signs were always there. There is no regret on the past but how acrimonious the ongoing divorce continues to be shows that I really did marry the right person. Why did I marry the right person? There have been many experiences, memories and lessons that I will never have experienced if I had married anyone else. Let alone the children who are part of the package.
I am forever optimist. I shed a few tears writing this and they needed to be released. I believe it is another beautiful day full of purpose and good intention. This is all I know; this is all I can offer. The rest is up to the good lord and his righteous path for me.